Weight

I just got out of the shower and weighed myself. The scale then shouted at me saying "211 now get off!" This was after my morning pee and before I ate food. I need to start working out again. I was working out for a little bit about 2 months ago and I went from 215 to 203. But then I stopped, started drinking pop, and eating a little more. I need to start again.

The funny thing is, during fall of last year I didn't work out at all and lost about 25 lbs. So things that have changed from last year: I wasn't drinking pop, I only ate one 8" sub a day at work by cutting it in half and eating have at like 4 pm and the other at 7/7:30 pm, I ate one bowl of cereal every morning, I rarely ate fast food, my band was steadily practicing 3 times a week, and my friends and I would find enjoyment in walking around for hours in Wyandotte at night. I'd like to get back into this routine.

I've never been thin. Even in photos of me in kindergarten you'll find a chunky me. This is something that I would really like to accomplish, I just have to make it work! And I don't even want to be super skinny, maybe just 180. I think that would be a good weight considering my height and muscle mass. I'm not bragging but I have huge leg and chest muscles. But I also have little arms lol.

Either way, starting today there will be no fast food nor any pop for me (unless pop is the only thing available, which is very rare). Also no more food after 7/8 depending on when the last time I ate was.

Imma do dis!

Trust Is An Acquired Taste

After the fight you think you've got it
You've found a way away from the pain
You've learned to keep distance
As if the world had a knife
You can't be cut if you don't come too close

In leaving two feet between you and everyone you meet
You stand on guard
Tip toeing
Waiting
Because the next person you come in contact with
Only offers error without trial
Leaving you up a creek with a paddle.... but no boat

But its called faith and
Trust is an acquired taste
For some it takes seconds
Some it will take eternity
But sometime between yesterday and forever
You will find happiness and
There I'll be waiting for you

I wrote this in spring or summer of '07

Why Waste The Weather

Why waste the weather
Come lay with me
Beneath the moon and the stars
Where we'll smile and hold each other
You're lips pressed against mine
Until dawn
The sunrise will illuminate your face
And your eyes will shine brighter than ever
In this moment
We'll know how true happiness feels

I wrote that a little over three years ago.

Dating

Where do I begin? I've always found the process of dating awkward, ya know? Like the whole getting to know someone stage? Meeting up with a person you know little to nothing about and starting a conversation that is going to determine the rest of your night. I don't mean that in a sexual way either. Actually I think a girl who kisses on the first date would be a deal breaker, or at least close to it. I'm talking about just how the night goes and how the chemistry progresses is based upon conversation. That just weirds me out. I'm almost terrified.

Any time I've ever had a girlfriend, I've never really had to work to get there, it just happened. I've never actually tried hard to gain a girls attention, so therefor I still don't. This is becoming a problem. I'm getting lonelier and lonelier by the day, just kinda wishing I had someone there, but not actually putting myself out there or making an attempt. Just me living the standard American lifestyle, all dreaming and no real work being done to improve my situation. Living comfortably in my own sadness.

I am picky though. Like I said kissing on the first date would be a deal breaker..... and that's something most guys would want. Other deal breakers include; girls who do drugs (including weed), girls who don't believe in God, and whorish girls. Even girls who are promiscuously dressed are a turn off.

I really just need to change a few things, for the better that is. Since I'm not meeting any girls at the school I don't go to, or at my job that requires me to keep all conversations to a minimum, I need to build up confidence and actually start talking to girls and just work on my conversation skills. Sometimes I fear I might be a little too boring ha. It kinda sucks when all I really talk about is music or some form of art. Those are the things I'm passionate about in life, so I guess I need to find a girl that shares those same passions.

I guess you could say I'd like an artsy girl, stylish, Christian, smart (perhaps college?), nonsmoker, not a big party girl, independent (has a car, job, maybe lives on their own?), fun, likes to laugh, good hearted, ect... (I'm also a big eyes and teeth guy.) A lot of those are musts, and no matter how "lonely" I get, I don't want to settle for someone who won't make me truly happy.

Either way, it all just leads back to confidence and balls. I need both. I need to get out there and do something about it. There's a Death Cab song that goes "And all you see is where else you can be when you're at home. And out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone." I feel like that's me. And I'm kinda tired of spending cuddling time with a pillow when I'm falling asleep.

Zombies

I just woke up from a really scary dream.

It was winter time, I was at a party at some random house which appeared to be New Boston. The party was going good until out of nowhere some kids just start walking around like they're sick then I heard someone shout something about a bite, so I grabbed my friend, whom I don't know in real life, we hopped in my van and left.

While driving I remembered the movie Zombieland and realized I didn't check the back seat. I look and there are two girls from the party in the very back of my van. Trying to remain calm I grabbed the hammer that appeared next to me (its a dream, things just appear) and started talking to them. They talked back in a normal voice so that was at least good. Then I asked if either of them were bitten and one said "Yea some dude just flipped out on me at that party." They had no idea what was going on. It was then that I decided we needed to stop and get gas.

I pulled into a gas station in Southgate right down the road from my apartment. I also noticed there was a cop sitting across the street. I knew if she turned I couldn't kill her right away unless she was attacking me, and thats too much of a risk. so I opened the back hatch and let them out. One said she didn't feel good, so I recommended they go inside and get something to drink.

On their way in I shut the back hatch, and hop in the drivers seat. I look back and one begins to turn. I go to start the van but it won't start, probably because it was cold. Or it might just be because it was a dream, who knows. It starts after they've come up to my van pounding at it. I guess the other one turned, but a lot faster than the one who was originally bitten. Either way, I throw it into reverse, back up to give myself room to drive away, then hit the break. Breaks don't work, there's ice on the ground, I hit the car behind me.

At this point I really hope that cop still isn't across the street, but I said screw it, and drove semi slowish out of the parking lot. I look over and the cop isn't there, which is a good thing cause he could have stopped me not understanding what the hell was going on.

I was still freaking out though. I started considering my options, go back to my apartment, go to my friend Steves house, or go to my friend Adams house. Steve and Adam being two people I consider very educated in the matter. Then I thought, or I could just wake up, and I did..... weird.

So I guess you could say I helped spread the outbreak by transporting a zombie to Southgate and letting it loose without even killing it. Muh bad. Either way, if a zombie outbreak ever occurred in real life, I just hope it doesn't happen in winter. It would be way to hard to drive.

Just An Update

You have no idea what it feels like to say "Naw manz I'm free tonight, I quit that job!" when someone asks if I work midnights tonight. Such a relief, knowing I'll have a life soon enough. BALLER!!!! (that was for Ray, lol) So therefore, hopefully getting back on a regular sleep and eating schedule. I really have to work on that! The eating that is.


I did fine all day till after Hans show. When I drink, which isn't all that often, I get the munchies! After Rack'n Roll we went to Arthurs, I told my self just a ruben sandwhich. After that, I asked for chili cheese fries..... As humans we do that. We do things that we know we're not supposed to do. I would have been fine with out any food, but it wasn't good enough. I guess this is like any sort of addiction? I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm addicted to food, or if I just eat cause its there and I like flavor of food in my mouth. Maybe it's boredom. Probably not addiction.


Lately I've acquired an "addiction" to indie and indie-folk music. Right now I'm listening to Iron and Wine and downloading The Swell Season. Tell Phill Johnson three years ago he would like this stuff and he would say you were crazy! I just learned how awesome Sufjan Stevens "Seven Swans" album is, that's all folky and acoustic...y stuff. I do dig. I want to start a folk band. I might actually have the time now. Coolness. The only thing I have written so far is a western folk two-step. In cut time swing/4 (swing/4 is 4/4 with a shuffle beat, and you probably have no idea what I'm saying). Either way, everyone that heard it, except Hike Monto, liked it (he's a pansy).

Hans band did really good tonight, I was very impressed. I had no idea my roommate could push out a scream like that. Their guitarist who sang was really good too. Their newest song, aside from their cover of "Eleanor Rigby" was my favorite. I especially liked the drum and singing break near the end. Good night over all.

Either way though.

Bouts to sleep, my pinky finger on my right hand beat my body to it already. It's hard to type when I can't tell if I'm hitting the enter key or an empty spot on my keyboard. Sleep time, night

Everything Happens For A Reason

How could I be so ignorant to forget what has kept me in tact for so long. The motto and faith I live by, a lack of faith in anything is a lack of faith in God. Therefore everything happens for a reason. Knowing that everything is in Gods hands and not my own is so refreshing, but there are times I forget this. Take lately for example. I've been so concerned with my own ambitions and whats "fair" that I've been kinda missing the point. Friendship.

I think it took a clear mind to figure things out, and my mind has been weighted for a few months now. Mostly because I've been working midnights and hating it. My life went out the window when I did. I couldn't spend the time with my friends and the ones I care about. But that's all done with now. I went in last night, on my day off, to do the stock order. I found out somebody else had already done it.Reason being was they "can't rely on me". Fair enough, if you can't rely on me and my word, then you can't rely on me to come in the next night for work :-) So needless to say, I'm hanging up the midnights hat a little early!

In this new freedom, I was allowed to think clearly. I was lying in bed last night when it hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm complaining about things that are happening in my life when its Gods hands at work. So, this means I'm complaining about Gods work??? CRAP! This was not my intention. I was pissed, looking for answers, answers to questions I shouldn't have been selfish enough to ask in the first place! Answers I didn't really need to know. However I received a few answers last night when I could actually focus on the relevant, and it is a weight lifted!

I'm sure you're good and lost now. Some who read this will know exactly what I'm talking about. But there's still a lesson to be learned for those who don't. Trust in God. Trust that He knows where he's taking you. Your job is to be thankful and love along the way. And though His driving my be scary at some points, He will get you to your destination. It may not be where you think you should be, but its exactly where you're intended to be.

...... Last time I said Gods driving scared me He let me know He was in control. Last fall, my best friend was driving my van. She was going a little too fast getting off the highway on a ramp and started losing control of the vehicle. We started swerving and fishtailing. We were afraid. Then out of nowhere the van straightened up and everything was fine, as if God said "You're scared of my driving, huh? Well just be thankful I know where I'm taking you." I've noticed He works like that.

Either way, I've got some splainin to do!

'06

For me, listening to older songs by bands such as Alexisonfire, Anberlin, Underoath, Saosin, Thursday, Coheed, Thrice, Atreyu, City and Colour, Armor For Sleep, and He Is Legend make me think of the summer that I graduated high school. They bring back that carefree feeling that came along with the lack of responsibility. Spring and Summer of 06 went as follows. I had a crap job that I only worked a few days a week, but it made made me just enough money to do what I wanted. I had a crap '89 Buick Century that was falling apart. Its stereo was pretty much a Sony Walkman hooked up to some computer speakers by use of garbage wires and a converter that was duct taped in to my cigarette lighter port because it wouldn't stay there on its own. I was about to graduate high school. And last but not least I had no bills or responsibilities!

At the time, I was in a crappy band that was going nowhere. We called our selves Seconds Fade, it consisted of Mike and Will Honto, Cory McNabb, Donny Goddard and myself. We played heavy poppy experimental music, and also covered songs by Glassjaw and The Deftones. During the school year we even played talent shows and pep assemblies. For one in particular, we covered the song "Feel Good Inc." by The Gorillaz. It was the dumbest thing, but for some reason the kiddies ate it up like it was goin out of style... and it did, real quick. We Broke up shortly after school let out when Will started jamming with Jason. Mike and I didn't like Jay at the time, because we blamed him for our band breaking up. It was fun while it lasted, but everything happens for a reason. We should have realized it sooner, we sucked. Will had the right idea. Sooner or later we would move on to bigger and better things

Since I only worked a few days a week, I had a crap ton of time to hang out with friends, which is what I did with about 85% of my free time (that percentage was completely fabricated). We did all kinds of stuff like bowling, graduation parties, walked around at parks (Bishop Park especially), so on and so forth. What ever it was, I constantly surrounded myself with friends. My best friends at the time were Kelly, Mike, Will, Avery, Dave, Drew, Jeremy, Nathan, Ben, Paxton, Joby, and a few others that I can't think of right now. And those were just my best friends, not to mention all the other people I knew and hung out with from time to time. Some of those were people I was just getting to know that I would soon be good friends with, and who I am now best friends with today. I met most of those friends in the spring time at a youth group that was introduced to me by my friend Jordan Toffoli. The youth group was called 180, soon to be Liquid. We met at The Modern Exchange in Southgate every Wednesday at 7pm. There I met my best friends to be such as Kathleen, Amanda, Steve, Adam, and Britz Crackers. Because of these people and this church I began to meet God in a whole new light. From then on I felt a sincere change in my life, and it felt awesome. Still does.

God is exactly who I needed, I still need Him. You see, at the time I was going through a lot of stress. Coming to the realization that your own mother was in jail because she was a severe crack and heroin addict isn't something I could have coped with on my own. My father, my 7 year old brother, and I were left to fend for our selves. There were breakdowns. At times I would feel bruised and beaten, though I hadn't been touched. God lead me through all of that though. He gave me comfort. He made it easy. Even before I knew who He was. Is it coincidence that one of the worst times in my life turned out to be the time of my life? Or did God surround me with people and friends that would lead me to Him like bread crumbs? How else, in a time of agony, did life seem so perfect? He lead me through with His guiding hand. He refused to leave me behind. I should really thank Him more often.

But either way.

I could actually write you a book on just what happened in that short time and how it has impacted the rest of my life, but I think I'll spare you. Now, a lot of those things I did back then I still do, and I still keep in contact with most of those friends, but things are different now. I have a different mind set and rationale, I have a different living situation, I have bills and responsibilities. I don't have that innocence anymore, though every day I want it back more and more. Life was good back then, some of the best days of my life. I miss them greatly. But the awesome thing is, all I have to do is listen to a song, and all those old feelings start to come back. I start to remember. I start to laugh. I start to cry. I start to dream. I listen to a song, and I'm there again!