I found out a few days ago that my dad (stepdad who's last name I have due to marriage) is in the hospital and probably won't make it. I want to see him out of respect, but at the same time I feel weird cause I don't really even know him.
My whole life I feel like I was raised by my mother and I was raised to believe Richard Johnson was my father. However, my mother taught me to not worry about this guy. She told me he was an asshole, that he didn't care about us, her and I, and she would often tell me how good life would be after he passes away. (Ps. this was before she walked out on us.) I was raised hearing this as a child, so it didn't really occur to me that this was wrong on so many levels.
So basically, my life was kinda like the Eminem song that starts "When I was a baby boy my momma used to tell me these crazy things." None the less, I never took the time out to find out who this old man was that slept on the couch, built trailers, whom I was to call father. Then again, he never really took the time out to get to know me.
Just before my mother started using drugs, I found out that this man was not my father. Sadly, I felt better knowing that he wasn't, as I was raised to look down upon him. Even after she left, I couldn't find any common ground with the man. I've never had a real conversation with him. I remember in high school, someone asked what I would do if my dad died. I replied jokingly, "I'd probably cry for a good 5 minutes then move on with my life." Yet here he is, in the hospital, dying, and I don't feel any different. My biggest concern is the awkwardness that awaits my visit. This bothers me. A lot.
It's just, what do you say to a man that's dying, whom you're supposed to call your father, but never actually had a connection with, whom you don't really love, whom you don't even really know? I feel like a horrible person. My dad is dying, and I just don't know if I care.
What's wrong with me?
I have a lot of respect for you. You have been run through so many times and I have never seen anything but I humble smile on your face. God has done a very powerful thing in you and continues to do so. Despite all of the harm the world has caused you...here you are standing strong. I am proud of you. God's work shines in you.
ReplyDeleteYou care. Or else you wouldn't have written this blog. I think you should see him, it's always uncomfortable in these kinds of situations. Just pray for strength and peace with the situation. I agree with Adam. I don't know many people who have gone through what you have and still have a smile on their face. He's right, God does shine through you. And I know for a fact that you have some pretty great friends who will always be there to support you.
ReplyDeletePeople express grief or sadness in lots of ways. There's no "right way" to express feelings.. People cry when they're happy, people seem unmoved when they are sad.. that's the way things are. Don't force yourself to do anything "expected".. I would say visit but without expectation. Don't expect anything to happen, just welcome whatever feelings or thoughts come. We love you Phill <3
ReplyDeleteIf he was a total stranger (and in a way he seems to be), what would you say to him? Maybe he needs someone who shouldn't really care to care anyway. Just go and see what happens. Walk in the door with the desire to see him fall in love with Christ, through you, and see what God does. === You are a good man Phil.
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